Five ways to fix NBC: All Jay Leno, all the time!

Jay Leno: From MVP (Most Valuable Player) to OVP (Only Valuable Player).

By ADAM BUCKMAN

Not that anyone from NBC has called and asked, but in case they do, I have five helpful suggestions to get NBC on its feet again — and each of these ideas have one thing in common: Jay Leno!

1) Jay Leno at 10 p.m. and 11:35 p.m.: Hey, why not?  Aspects of the 10 p.m. plan still make sense, if NBC is still hellbent on saving money on prime-time shows.  And Leno is their guy.  Got a problem at 10?  Call Jay Leno.  Need him to come back and stop the bleeding on “Tonight”?  Just call Jay.  He’s such a workhorse, he’ll do anything to help NBC, even host two shows every night!

2) The NBC Nightly News with . . . Jay Leno! Sure, serious news guy Brian Williams can still have his oh-so important newscast every evening — but only if he agrees to move the newscast a half-hour later, so Jay can do a half-hour “newscast” of his own — a fun-filled half-hour of topical monologue jokes and hilarious pretaped comedy bits derived from the day’s biggest news stories.  Tell Brian he can still handle the serious side of the news, if only to keep him from going to another network.  Hey, everyone knows the nation gets its real news from Jay Leno anyway — this just makes it official!

3)  Jays of Our Lives: Freshen up this aging afternoon soap opera with a new character, a television personality embroiled in his own long-running soap opera — Jay Leno as himself!  In this new storyline, which could run for five years or more, Jay plays a successful comedian who manages to maintain the highest ratings in late-night as host of the show that represents the pinnacle of achievement in the comedy business.  Everything’s going well until NBC decides to replace him in five years with a brash newcomer.  Get ready for a bumpy ride!

4) The Today Show with Jay Leno: Why not launch a fifth hour of “Today” starting at 11 a.m. and let Jay do for mornings what he did for late-night — keeping NBC No. 1 (until the network decides idiotically to yank him from mornings too).  In this fun-filled hour, Jay delivers his first topical monologue of the day, riffing on the morning’s headlines and parodying the newsmaker interviews seen on the first two hours of “Today.”  If you liked Jay feuding with David Letterman in late-night, just wait ’til he and Barbara Walters go at it at 11 o’clock in the morning!

5) The Jay Leno Channel (JLC):  It’s no secret — NBC is staking its future on cable television and this new all-Jay-all-the-time cable network fits right in with NBC’s strategy of relying solely on Jay Leno to keep the company afloat.  Package scores of his old monologues into “Best of” retrospectives, play every old movie in which Jay appears — from “Major League II” to “Space Cowboys” — have Jay host everything from cooking shows (“Iron Chef” hosted by “Iron Jay”?) to late-night infomercials.  He’s the hardest-working man on NBC’s payroll and now, this new destination on cable ensures that NBC gets its money’s worth from its most loyal — and valuable — soldier.  Who else?  Jay Leno!

# # #

Conan, standard bearer for ‘youth,’ is an aging 46

Conan O'Brien: Wish him luck.

By ADAM BUCKMAN

Neil Young first recorded “Long May You Run” 34 years ago, in 1976.

He performed the song last Friday on Conan O’Brien’s final “Tonight Show.” It’s a great song, but a pretty old one, the equivalent of performing a song from 1944 on “The Tonight Show” of 1976.  In 1976, Conan was 13.

In liner notes on the 1977 compilation album “Decade,” Young wrote that “Long May You Run” was a song about a car and a woman. “‘Long May You Run’: A song written for my first car and my last lady,” Young wrote. “As Dylan says, ‘Now that the past is gone’ [from Dylan's "Wedding Song"].”

Search for information on the Web about the car and the story behind it and you will find endless debates about which car (two hearses — one a Buick, the other a Pontiac — are in contention), whether the song’s subject is a car or a motorcycle, and what the lyrics mean, the usual inconclusive Google search.

However, it is clear the song was not written about a late-night talk-show host, though some of it’s lyrics were adaptable to the situation in which Young performed it on Conan O’Brien’s final “Tonight Show” last Friday (the lyrics include, “We’ve been through some things together, with trunks of memories still to come. We found things to do in stormy weather, long may you run.”).

The song is a classic example of what used to be known as “album rock,” but today, if categorized for radio play, it would be classified as “classic rock,” basically, an oldie, but not as old as the more traditional “oldie” — more likely a Top-40 pop song from the 1950s or ’60s.

Will Ferrell singing "Free Bird" on Conan's last "Tonight" show.

The same can be said for “Free Bird,” the Lynyrd Skynyrd classic first recorded 37 years ago, in 1973. Conan’s last “Tonight Show” closed with “Free Bird,” sung by Will Ferrell, backed up by The Tonight Show Band, and assisted on guitars by Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top (another icon of classic rock), Beck and, impressively, Conan himself.

When Young finished singing “Long May You Run” and Conan came over to greet him, Young, 64 and as much a “classic” as anyone, told Conan he came on the show to support him because of all that Conan had done over the years for the exposure of new music. You might not have heard it; Young said it rather softly and it was partially drowned out by the audience’s enthusiastic reaction to Young’s performance (and, apparently, you can’t try and hear what Young said now, since it looks as if NBC has barred video of the performance from being posted on YouTube though it could be found there throughout the weekend).

Conan’s emphasis on emerging music acts has been his pattern over the years, particularly on “Late Night,” where music bookings tended toward artists on the way up who hadn’t quite gotten there.

And yet, when it came time to load up on the sentiment on his final “Tonight Show,” Conan revealed a personal preference for the classics, which would tend to separate him from the younger fans who showed their love for him in the waning weeks of his “Tonight Show.”

The fact is: Conan O’Brien is 46 years old. It’s a funny age for show business, especially for the way show business, or the television version of show business, is now constituted. At 46, he’s a little old to be considered “young.” Though he’s not yet 50, he is too old to comb his hair into a point at the center of his scalp, or wear a backward cap, or go self-consciously unshaven, or wear intentionally faded jeans with an untucked shirt.

This is the outfit worn by “young” TV personalities and movie stars these days — on MTV, on the talk shows when they appear as guests, or in commercials for computers, cellphones, fast-food chains and Dunkin’ Donuts.

Moreover, at age 46, how much longer can Conan get away with the kind of sophomoric comedy that’s better suited for younger personalities?  At some point, Conan’s going to have to reinvent himself as a more mature performer capable of evolving a persona that will be seen as hip enough to continue drawing younger fans, while, at the same time, retaining his many other fans who will inevitably age along with him.

David Letterman, 63, enjoys a reputation for accomplishing this feat — the aging crank who nevertheless possesses a subversiveness that is supposedly still attractive to younger viewers.  However, reputations are often inaccurate.  The truth was: Jay Leno, now 59, had better younger demographics than Letterman when Leno hosted “The Tonight Show.”   And Leno’s younger demos weren’t that much worse than Conan’s.  I can remember seeing Leno perform in Atlantic City a few years back, and most of his audience was composed of extremely worshipful college kids, among whom he apparently has a huge following, whether erudite critics in New York and L.A. care to accept it or not.

Ultimately, a great scenario for Conan — given the caveat that nothing at all is certain in show business in general or late-night television in particular — is that, in a few years, he may be in a position to take over for Letterman.  The odd things is, he might then be competing with an aging Leno, and he, Conan, just might beat him.

# # #

Fired, but still on? You’ve got to be kidding me!

Enough already: NBC should have muzzled Conan, but instead, they've allowed him to hammer them night after night.

By ADAM BUCKMAN

Where, oh, where are the broadcasting executives of yesteryear, the ones who would never tolerate wayward air talent who would use their airwaves to brutally lambast their own stations or networks?

If they had the opportunity to watch Conan O’Brien blasting NBC left and right these last two weeks on “The Tonight Show,” those execs — the ones from an era long ago, who weren’t afraid to exercise their power, and who regarded air talent as children in need of adult supervision (and discipline) — wouldn’t recognize their business today.

Sure, Conan’s nightly battle of wits with NBC has fueled a sharp (and much-needed) uptick in the ratings for “Tonight” these last two weeks or so.  But at what cost?  The accumulation of hard-edged humor, emanating from their own stages and skewering NBC management night after night, has only succeeded in planting an image in the public brain of a giant communications company in chaos, whose managers are so ineffective that a guy they fired is allowed to continue appearing on their air, spending their money and impugning their reputations.

Hey, it’s not that I have sympathy for TV executives.  Indeed, I’m having as much fun as everyone else watching them get splattered with mud every night.  It’s just that I keep returning to the same thought: What is wrong with this picture?

I can still vividly recall the time nearly 20 years ago when one of CBS’s highest-ranking execs, a division president,  schooled me in the ways of managing broadcast talent over lunch in his private dining room at CBS headquarters.  I had asked him what he thought of Howard Stern, who was then in the first years of his growing notoriety as the nation’s foremost practitioner of what would come to be labeled “shock radio.”

“Children,” this executive said dismissively, frowning between bites of his lunch.  “Air talent – they’re all children.  And that’s how you have to treat them.  Like children.”

And I can remember when fired air personalities were really fired.  Once upon a time, tradition held that, once they were fired, air talent was barred from the facilities, lest they engage in malicious mischief detrimental to the company.  This custom was most notable in the radio business, owing to a handful of occasions when fired disc jockeys returned to work, locked themselves in their studios and would then play a record such as “Feelings” or “You Light Up My Life” as many consecutive times as they could before private security or the police were able to dislodge them.

What is the problem with these NBC executives who are permitting Conan O’Brien to whine and complain every night on their network and on their dime?  And why are they letting him have a “farewell” broadcast?  Maybe NBC management felt that, if they abruptly shut down production on O’Brien’s “Tonight Show” last week, when he informed them he would not accept a “Tonight Show” starting at 12:05 a.m., that they and their company would take some sort of bath in the media and in the court of public opinion.

But it would have been no worse than what has happened as a result of allowing O’Brien to continue.  And at least the people running NBC would look like they possessed backbones, and were really in charge of their company, if they’d shown Conan the door instead of seeming to grant him carte blanche to wage a public war on them at their expense.

As things stand now, tonight’s farewell show will likely be the highest-rated of O’Brien’s entire, short-lived tenure on “The Tonight Show,” which possibly sets him up nicely to become established on a competing network by next fall.

# # #

How Edd Hall wound up in Dave’s anti-Jay promo

He's Edd Hall.

By ADAM BUCKMAN

Jay Leno’s former announcer, Edd Hall, insists he’s not carrying any grudges against Leno and NBC.

But he doesn’t exactly feel warm toward them either, Hall indicated in his first interview today (1/20/10) since he lent his voice to a David Letterman comedy bit that skewered Leno on Letterman’s “Late Show” Tuesday night.

In the bit — a 30-second parody promo spot ballyhooing Leno’s return to “The Tonight Show” — Hall’s exuberant announcer’s voice was heard reciting copy that accused Leno of stealing comedy bits from Letterman and Howard Stern.

“Hey, late-night fans!” Hall announced, as videotape and still pictures of Leno and “Tonight Show” bandleader Kevin Eubanks were shown on screen.  “In just a few short weeks, Jay Leno will be back where he belongs as host of ‘The Tonight Show,’ and all your favorite elements of Jay’s ‘Tonight Show’ will be back!  The phony handshakes!  The guy with the guitar [Eubanks] who laughs at everything!  The bit [Leno] stole from Letterman’s ‘Late Night’ show!  [Headlines from small-town newspapers are shown.]  The bit [Leno] stole from Howard Stern!  ['Jay Walking' image is shown.]  The announcer he stole from Howard Stern!  [Photo of John Melendez is shown.]“

The bit ended with Hall voicing the words for which he became famous when he was Leno’s announcer for Leno’s first 12 years on “Tonight”: “And me, I’m Edd Hall!”

In a phone interview from California today, Hall pointed out that he started his career as an NBC page in New York in 1979 and several years later, wound up working for “Late Night with David Letterman” as a graphics producer and occasional announcer for comedy bits, which is how he came to be hired for “The Tonight Show” when Leno took the show over from Johnny Carson.

Hall said he maintains close ties with friends in both the Leno and Letterman camps, though his sentiments seem to lean closer to the Letterman side these days.

“I like both of these guys,” Hall said.  “But look, NBC has made plenty of, shall we say, unusual decisions regarding late-night, and frankly, replacing me with John Melendez was one of them, so . . . I don’t feel the allegiance to Jay that I once did and I never left on bad terms with Letterman.”

Hall said he received a phone call from a Letterman producer at 8:30 a.m. Tuesday (Pacific time) to ask Hall if he would record a voiceover for that night’s show in about an hour.  Hall said yes, recording the voiceover locally (the rest of Tuesday night’s promo bit was produced in New York).

“It wasn’t a conscious decision to, you know, ‘Ooh, I’m gonna get Jay tonight with this one’,” Hall said.  “I had no problem with it.  It’s comedy.”

He reported that no one from the Leno show has contacted him to ask why he agreed to play a minor, but supporting role in Letterman’s stepped-up attacks against Leno.

“I have not [heard from Leno],” Hall said, struggling to explain his relationship with Leno and his producers and writers.  “[It's] not that I left on any bad terms, but . . . they haven’t called me to do comedy bits.”

Hall said he’s done a number of such bits for Letterman’s people over the last few years, although this one, which was pretty pointed in its criticism of Leno and aired in the midst of the current storm roiling late-night TV, has attracted more attention for Hall than any of the others.  He revealed that he even did another one recently that is also related to the ongoing drama in late-night that has not aired yet.  He doesn’t know if it ever will.

“The thing is with these monologue bits is that they record about 15 or 20 of them and two air,” Hall explained.  “I’ve done a lot of them for them before that haven’t aired.”

The one that has not yet aired got Hall prepared for the second one.  Said he, “The idea was that they wanted a ‘Tonight Show’ announcer to do it, and so I knew what this was all about.”

# # #

Comedy Darwinism: Survival of the funniest

KINGS OF COMEDY: Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno on the premiere episode of NBC's ill-fated "Jay Leno Show" last September.

JAY AND JERRY ARE TWO PEAS IN AN EXCLUSIVE POD

By ADAM BUCKMAN

The most revealing commentary on the whole NBC/Leno/Conan mess came from Jerry Seinfeld.

It revealed all you needed to know about show business.

Seinfeld, who is so wealthy and successful that he can be as honest as he feels like, laid it on the line: Conan O’Brien wasn’t good enough, so he got yanked.

“What did the network do to him?” Seinfeld shot back when a reporter at the Winter TV Press Tour in Pasadena earlier this month probed for Jerry’s opinion on whether NBC wasn’t being fair to O’Brien.

“I don’t think anyone’s preventing people from watching Conan,” said Seinfeld, demolishing the complaint from Conan’s camp that poor lead-ins from local news and Jay Leno’s 10 p.m. show hurt the ratings for Conan’s “Tonight Show.”

“Once they give you the cameras, it’s on you,” Seinfeld said.  “I can’t blame NBC for having to move things around. I hope Conan stays — I think he’s terrific. But there’s no rules in show business, there’s no refs.”

The lesson learned?  Show business is a dog-eat-dog world.  And at the top of one segment of show business — the comedy business — there is only room for a few.  And those few are more likely to respect those who came up the hard way than those, like Conan, who didn’t.

Seinfeld happens to be one of the ones who paid his dues; Jay Leno is another, which might help explain why these two are friends, or at least as close to being “friends” as two people can be in their business, assuming they never wind up competing for the same thing, which hasn’t happened to them yet.

Conan O’Brien, a Harvard-educated comedy writer from “The Simpsons” and “Saturday Night Live,” didn’t come up the hard way in the manner of Leno and Seinfeld.  They worked for years in malodorous comedy clubs — the places Seinfeld once characterized (in his 2002 documentary film, “Comedian”) as the “smelly gyms” of show business.

O’Brien didn’t rise through the ranks — he leapt over them when he was plucked from obscurity by Lorne Michaels to take over NBC’s “Late Night” when David Letterman left, one of the most unlikely and improbable lucky breaks ever recorded in the history of show business.

In the Darwinistic world of the comedy business, lucky breaks such as the one awarded Conan are an alien concept, which is why comedians such as Seinfeld and Leno will never admit a lucky break recipient such as Conan O’Brien into their exclusive circle.

In fact, if comedy has a hierarchy, Leno and Seinfeld are the business’ top dogs, measured especially by the yardstick that matters most, which is earning power.  They live in a rarefied world in which they two may be the only two residents.  Even Letterman, who paid his dues in the comedy clubs so many years ago, today eschews the live performances from which Seinfeld and Leno still make their bread and butter.

Seinfeld, swimming in residual money from the eternal rerun plays of his eponymous sitcom, and Leno, who makes so much money from live performances that he claims to bank his six-figure weekly paychecks from NBC and then never touches the money, are two peas in a unique pod.

Seinfeld was Leno’s first guest on “The Jay Leno Show” last September.  Seinfeld wore a tux, as if to say: Here at the pinnacle of show business, here is how we dress; it’s OK for the rest of you peons to go casual.  But not me.  (Leno wore his usual business suit and tie.)

Leno appeared in Seinfeld’s “Comedian” documentary and Seinfeld was Leno’s first phone call in 2004 when NBC proposed that he relinquish “The Tonight Show” to Conan O’Brien in 2009.  Seinfeld, playing the role of comedy godfather, apparently advised Leno to say yes.

“I called up my buddy, Jerry Seinfeld,” Leno said on “The Tonight Show” on Sept. 27, 2004, explaining why he agreed with NBC’s plan to replace him in five years with O’Brien — the news of which had broken earlier that day.

“I said, ‘Jerry what do you think?’ . . .  Jerry quit his show when it was the most popular, and I’m proud to say ["The Tonight Show'] show has been No. 1 and we’ll keep it No. 1 and then in ‘09 I’ll say, ‘Conan, take it over, it’s yours,’ ’cause, you know, you can do these things until they carry you out on a stretcher or you can get out when you know you’re still doing good,” Leno said, the words seeming to pour out of him.

Carried out on a stretcher?  Dragged off by a team of wild horses was how Letterman put it back then when he commented on the transition plan two days later on his own show, “Late Show” on CBS.

“[Leno has] quit ‘The Tonight Show’,” Letterman said, setting up a joke.  “Jay Leno is leaving ‘The Tonight Show’ . . . He’s going to be gone in five years.  You know what this does?  It saves NBC the cost of a team of wild horses, that’s what that does!”

Now that Leno’s returning to “The Tonight Show,” NBC might have to reserve that team of wild horses after all.

# # #

New entry in the pantheon of network screwups

NBC late-night fiasco ranks high on select list of historic TV miscues

By ADAM BUCKMAN

More than one commentator has compared the NBC late-night fiasco to the ill-fated launch of “new” Coke in 1985 — an apt comparison since, in both instances, a huge corporation went overboard hyping a new product, only to have to backtrack later when the great new idea didn’t work.

So how does NBC’s Conan/Leno fiasco stack up against other infamous TV screwups?  When the smoke clears and TV historians are able to put this story into perspective, they just might conclude that it was, in fact, the greatest disaster in the history of  network television.

To help them out, I present this list of contenders for the network screwup crown:

I. “Dolly” (Sept. 27, 1987 – May 2, 1988): Dolly Parton’s Sunday-night (later Saturday-night) variety show represented ABC’s plan to revive the time-honored variety category.  The show never caught on but lasted an entire season anyway, mainly because ABC poured so much money into it, most notably paying Parton a non-refundable $44 million for two seasons — in advance.

II. “The Chevy Chase Show” (Sept. 7– Oct. 15, 1993): Legend has it that Dolly Parton suggested Chevy Chase to host Fox’s newest attempt to launch a late-night show after she turned it down.  Her suggestion led to the most notorious failure in late-night history (until recently).  With much fanfare, Fox bought and renovated a theater on Hollywood Boulevard for Chase, renaming it “The Chevy Chase Theater.”  Chase never looked comfortable or even the least bit happy hosting the show and he later admitted that he hated it.

III. “Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell” (Sept. 20, 1975-Jan. 17, 1976): Incredibly, if it weren’t for this failed effort on the part of ABC to capitalize on Howard Cosell’s notoriety by giving him an Ed Sullivan-esque prime-time variety show (originating from the Ed Sullivan Theater), the other “Saturday Night Live” on NBC might never have gotten its famous name (since Cosell’s show had it first) or its Not Ready for Primetime Players (Cosell’s cast, which included Bill Murray, Brian-Doyle Murray and Christopher Guest, was called the Prime Time Players).  Those of us old enough to remember this show can still recall the mountains of hype that would greet each episode, such as the show’s premiere, for which an appearance by the Bay City Rollers was billed as the second coming of the Beatles.  NBC’s “SNL” was called only “Saturday Night” until the cancellation of Cosell’s show allowed NBC to add “Live” to its show’s title.

IV: “Life with Lucy” (Sept. 20-Nov. 15, 1986): Lucille Ball was 75 years-old when she attempted this last, ill-advised comedy series on ABC.  I can still remember one episode in which the elderly Lucy was made to swing comically from a chandelier, a spectacle that instantly told me this show would soon be toast.  It was an embarrassing finale to a legendary career in television.

V: “Coupling” (Sept. 25–Oct. 23, 2003): This series would be forgotten as just another network TV failure — of which there are plenty every season.  But rarely, if ever, has a show sunk so quickly after coming to the air with as much hype as NBC attached to the launch of this remake of a sexually explicit sitcom from the United Kingdom.   The American version’s swift disappearance in fall 2003 after just four weeks (even “The Chevy Chase Show” lasted five) was breathtaking: In the end, 11 episodes of the American version were produced and only four aired.

# # #

NBC’s broken promise: We’ll give Jay a full year

Promises, promises: Jay Leno and Jeff Zucker

AND THEN THE AFFILIATES REVOLTED;

IT WAS THE ONE SCENARIO NO ONE PLANNED FOR

By ADAM BUCKMAN

It all seems now as if I dreamed it.

But I did not — I WAS there, in a small suite in a tiny boutique hotel no one had ever heard of before, about a half-block from Times Square, seated with a group of about a dozen journalists for an informal news conference with Jay Leno and his boss at NBC, Jeff Zucker.

Again and again, at this news conference hastily convened during network television’s upfront week last May, reporters asked Zucker: What is your network’s commitment to the new prime-time show Jay will be hosting weeknights at 10 o’clock?  The reporters asked this question repeatedly, in any number of various ways, and Zucker never wavered in his answer: The new “Jay Leno Show” would stay on the air for its first year at least, a 46-week run, without regard for ratings.  This was also the assurance the network gave Jay, repeatedly, including on that day, since Jay was there too.

In his many answers to essentially the same question, Zucker indicated that such a commitment was really the only way to handle a concept that was so new and different — basically a hybrid of a late-night talk show and an old-fashioned variety show, but airing five nights a week.

For NBC to learn if the concept would work, this show would have to run at least a year, Zucker explained, because the whole plan was based on the network’s belief that Leno’s show, with 230 new episodes produced per year, with no repeats outside of Leno’s six vacation weeks, would, at various times of year such as the summer, out-compete the other networks whose shows in the 10 p.m. time period would each only have 22 episodes.

To NBC, that seemed to mean that the Leno show would be well-positioned to win the time period in those many, many weeks when the competition was in reruns, or was using the 10-11 p.m. hour to try out various replacement shows.

And Zucker insisted that ratings, at least for that first 46 weeks, would not be a reason to yank the show.  However, that is exactly what has happened — low ratings are the reason NBC is shelving Leno’s 10 p.m. show, leading to the spectacle now on view in which the network tries to cram Leno and Conan both into late-night and, as a result of this bungled effort, might now lose one or both of them.

Zucker might have been sincere last May (and all the other times he repeated the same mantra in the months leading up to the debut of “The Jay Leno Show” last September).  Maybe the ratings really didn’t matter to him.  But apparently, the ratings do matter to NBC’s affiliates — a situation Zucker and the rest of his executive team seem not to have ever considered.  In hindsight, maybe they should have considered the possibility that affiliates would become disaffected if their late newscasts took a hit from Leno’s low lead-in numbers.

But affiliate displeasure of this magnitude is so unprecedented in network television that you can hardly blame the NBC execs for failing to plan for the possibility of an all-out affiliate rebellion in the event that Leno flopped.

On the other hand, their own company owns and operates a substantial station group whose managers might have sent a memo up to corporate at some point in the late-night planning process to ask if they should be worried about the health of their 11 o’clock newscasts.

# # #

Analyzing Conan’s letter: A deliberate jab at Jay?

Conan O'Brien: Fightin' words

By ADAM BUCKMAN

Conan O’Brien’s open letter issued today to “People of Earth” contains a sentence that could be interpreted as a veiled dig at Jay Leno for placidly going along with NBC’s plan to move him back to 11:35 p.m. and thereby disrupt a traditional late-night lineup that has been in place for decades.

The line in question comes in the fourth paragraph of the letter, according to a copy of the letter reproduced on TMZ.com.  “Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move ‘The Tonight Show’ to 12:05 to accommodate ‘The Jay Leno Show’ at 11:35,” Conan wrote.  “For 60 years, ‘The Tonight Show’ has aired immediately following the late local news.  I sincerely believe that delaying ‘The Tonight Show’ into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting.  ‘The Tonight Show’ at 12:05 simply isn’t ‘The Tonight Show’,” Conan wrote.

And here’s the kicker: Writes Conan, “If I accept this move, I will be knocking the ‘Late Night’ show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot.  That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.”

Now, Conan doesn’t write the following, but he certainly could have, just after that sentence:  “And by extension, Jay Leno’s refusal to reject NBC’s plan to wedge a half-hour version of his own show between affiliates’ local newscasts and the proposed 12:05 a.m. start of ‘The Tonight Show’ means that Leno is a party to the network’s potential destruction of the revered ‘Tonight Show’ franchise.”

Or, to put it another way, in the very same language in which Conan voices his support for Jimmy Fallon and NBC’s “Late Night,” Conan could be implying: “If Jay Leno accepts this move, he will be knocking ‘The Tonight Show,’ which I inherited from him and he inherited from Johnny Carson, out of its long-held time slot.  That would hurt the NBC franchise I love — ‘The Tonight Show’ — and would be unfair to me.”

If Conan’s intention was to imply that Leno is not doing the right thing by acquiescing to NBC’s plan for a half-hour “Jay Leno Show” at 11:35, then Conan might have a fair point, self-serving though it may be.  Let’s face it, Conan has been host of “Tonight” for only seven months — too short a time to tell if he’s capable of restoring the show to its traditional No. 1 position in late-night.  Remember, it’s Leno, and his 10 p.m. show, who’s  getting cancelled due to ratings that have been so low that affiliates were in open revolt.  And when was the last time that ever happened?  A show has to be a pretty dismal failure for affiliates to get up in arms that way.

Maybe Leno should simply be asked to stand down, come what may.  And maybe NBC should simply honor its commitment to Conan.  The problem is: NBC execs have created a situation in which it’s probably too late to do either of these things.

# # #

No matter how you slice it, Conan got screwed

Conan's the loser in this latest late-night story, though he doesn't deserve to be. Jay Leno wins -- again.

By ADAM BUCKMAN

It’s a tale of two personalities — one of them the winner and one of them the loser.

Jay Leno’s the winner, of course.  He’s about to reclaim the 11:35 p.m. start time he prefers for his nightly show on NBC.  And while the show is being billed so far as a half-hour idea, it will likely morph into an hour, and will likely be “The Tonight Show” by the time it premieres after the Winter Olympics because, really, how in the world can Conan stay at NBC after how the network has treated him.

Thus, life goes on for Jay Leno, who is one of these guys who is either very, very lucky or very, very skilled at coming out on top.  This is the second time he’s won this kind of thing — the last time, in ‘92, the odds favored David Letterman taking over for Johnny Carson.  But Leno — the old-fashioned, blue-collar “tell joke, get check” comedian  — worked harder to win over affiliates and NBC execs and wound up the winner.

He reminds me of that “Seinfeld” episode, in which bad things happen to Elaine, good things happen to George, and Jerry remarks that no matter what happens around him, his life remains level and well-adjusted.  Leno’s the same way — while TV execs scramble around worrying and tearing out their hair trying to navigate their way out of an impossibly complicated situation they made for themselves, he can be found with his head under a car hood (seemingly) waiting patiently for the moment when someone will call him up and inform him he’s getting “The Tonight Show” back.  He makes it seem as if he doesn’t care, although he does care, a lot.  Still, in his sometimes goofy way, Jay Leno is the coolest cat in the room.

While Jay wins, Conan loses.  It didn’t have to come out this way.  NBC could just as well have decided to dump Leno’s 10 p.m. show and then dump Leno.  So what if he goes somewhere else?  There’s no guarantee he’d do as well.  In addition, his options are pretty limited — ABC is the only network that might have made sense for him, but their guy is Jimmy Kimmel and he’s doing pretty well; anyway, that’s a whole ‘nother blog post.

In some ways, NBC’s original plan was sound.  They were  right: In a few years, they would have had to find a new host anyway as Leno aged.  What they should have done was just keep Conan on “Tonight” because at some point, CBS will lose Letterman (in 5, 10 years? It doesn’t matter — time flies pretty quickly).  And then, Conan would have been the veteran late-night star everyone would have turned to and he would have been No. 1.

Hey, I’m not even a huge fan of Conan’s “Tonight Show,” but he’s getting a very raw deal.  Sure, he might be enriched by this rumored payoff of $45 million (the reported “penalty” supposedly included in his contract with NBC if the network reneges on “The Tonight Show”), and who wouldn’t love to receive $45 million?

Still, the reality is this: Conan’s getting canceled after just seven months.  His career, which did nothing but rise for nearly 20 years, is suddenly in jeopardy.   NBC is trying to make it seem like he hasn’t been canceled; he’s just being moved by a half-hour.  But really, what else can you conclude but that Conan didn’t work out as host of the traditional “Tonight Show”?  That happens to be a “first” — no one in the show’s storied history has ever failed at it, but that’s exactly what NBC is saying here.

Now, instead of representing the future of late-night TV, Conan joins the list of the late-night also-rans — Chevy Chase, Rick Dees, Pat Sajak and seemingly scores of others.  Sure, you can argue that his long tenure as host of “Late Night” should earn Conan a higher perch in the hierarchy than Chevy Chase.  And you would be right.  At the same time, however, moving to Fox to host a new, untested late-night show represents a demotion.  It’s a consolation prize and a weak one at that, since Fox has no history in late-night except for its failures with Joan Rivers and Chevy Chase back in the ancient ’80s and ’90s.  And there’s no guarantee the Fox affiliates even want a late-night show.  Moreover, even in fourth place, NBC is the classier of the two networks.  Conan’s comedy is more like the comedy of “30 Rock” and “SNL” than the gross-out humor of “Family Guy.”

In the end, this misadventure seriously damages Conan’s reputation.  And whether you like his comedy or not, he — along with all the loyal members of his team who all relocated to California from New York — did not deserve this.  They’re a great group of people — Conan too.  The screwing he’s getting from the company to which he has been loyal for so long, is just breathtaking.

# # #

Late-night twists and turns: NBC gets the bends

Chin music: Jay Leno laughs all the way to the bank while NBC squirms.

By ADAM BUCKMAN

A couple of things struck me in the last 24 hours or so as this story about NBC giving up on its Jay Leno experiment has gained steam.

First: You have to love a story that invites you to sit back and watch while a TV network and its executives contort themselves into pretzels in order to find their way out of the convoluted mess they made for themselves.

Just look at the plans being floated in all the press accounts today, based mainly on interviews with unnamed sources — all of them panicky execs putting out all kinds of scenarios that have NBC bending over backward to somehow accommodate both Jay and Conan.  This plan to run a half-hour “Jay Leno Show” at 11:35 p.m., followed by Conan’s “Tonight Show” at 12:05 is shrewdly calculated to please no one — not Jay (OK, maybe a little), not Conan (especially him), not Jimmy Fallon (whose show will then start a few hours before sunup), and not viewers.   Don’t you just love the TV business?

Second: Remember why NBC set this whole Jay-Conan thing in motion in 2004 in the first place?  The network said then it wanted to set the stage for a smooth transition on “The Tonight Show” that would prevent the outbreak of the kind of chaos that accompanied Johnny Carson’s retirement in 1992.

Well, nice try, NBC.  Despite your best efforts (or actually, because of them), the tumult in late-night, while different in its particulars this time around, is really on par with ‘92-’93.  You have a network trying to juggle its top talent and keep them (if for no better reason than to prevent them from defecting to competing networks) — a task somewhat akin to a slow-witted kindergartner’s attempts to hammer a square block into a round hole.  And the whole thing — shifting Leno to and fro, moving Conan to 11:35 and then pushing him back a half-hour later — is wreaking havoc on the very people that matter most, the viewers, who have had to relearn their late-night viewing habits and will now have to relearn them again.

And third: What does this new drama say about the state of network television?  So-called “experts” have been telling us for several years that network television and its old-fashioned business model — you know the one: A network of affiliated stations covering 98 percent of the country all carrying the programming of a single over-the-air program provider — had at least one foot in the grave and at least a few toes of its second foot.

Then what happens?  A group of network affiliates — local stations that still “broadcast” the old-fashioned way and represent the very vanguard of what you might refer to as old TV media — still have enough juice to bring a network — NBC — to its knees and force changes that the network never dreamed it would have to make, at least not this soon and certainly not at the behest of a bunch of affiliates.

What happens now?  Hopefully, more turmoil and indecision — what better way to start the weekend!

# # #

Dick Clark’s a hero; his critics are zeroes

How can you complain about Dick Clark (right)? His appearances on his "New Year's Rockin' Eve" special on ABC are nothing less than heroic.

By ADAM BUCKMAN

I really can’t believe I am reading complaints from some critics about Dick Clark’s appearance on his annual “Rockin’ Eve” New Year’s special on ABC.

One critic I read actually advised Dick to “hang it up,” indicating that it’s become just too darned awkward or even depressing to watch the aged TV personality — who turned 80 on Nov. 30 –  because Dick has become immobilized from the stroke he suffered in 2004.  Another critic actually complained that Dick’s slurred speech makes it too difficult to understand him, rendering him — Dick Clark, the consummate broadcaster who happens to be  beloved by everyone but these critics — somehow unfit to appear on TV and usher in the New Year.

And at some point in last week’s New Year’s countdown, Dick apparently fumbled ever so slightly on the backward recitation of the seconds ticking down to the new year and the usual anonymous peanut gallery on the Internet wasted no time posting the video in order to jeer at this barely noticeable “screwup.”

It really is an indication of how nasty we’ve become when a beloved national institution such as Dick Clark is harassed mercilessly for having the nerve to appear on television after having a stroke.

Hello?  The man had a stroke, for heaven’s sake.  It should go without saying, but apparently needs to be said in this thoughtless, mean-spirited era in which we live, that this 80-year-old stroke victim’s willingness to rigorously rehabilitate  himself and then agree to put himself out there in public in front of millions of TV viewers represents an act of heroism for which he should be cheered, not jeered.

It just so happens that millions of people have strokes and then struggle in the aftermath to continue leading productive lives.  Dick Clark is a hero to these people, and should be a hero to anybody else, stroke victim or otherwise, who possesses the common sense (not to mention decency) to recognize a demonstration of true courage when they see it.

It also just so happens that Dick Clark is one of the finest people you will ever meet in the TV business.  To suggest that in choosing to appear in public, seated in a chair because he cannot stand or walk and slurring his speech, Dick Clark just can’t bear to abdicate the limelight is just ridiculous and, knowing Dick, just plain wrong too.

May Dick Clark ring in the New Year for the next 20 years.

# # #

Mentally ill ‘Hoarders’ out of touch with reality — Plus: TV’s original hoarder king, Fred Sanford!

A hoarder named Betty looks dazed and confused as she contemplates a clean-up of her cluttered backyard on "Hoarders." Photo credit: A&E/Screaming Flea Productions -- More photos below!

By ADAM BUCKMAN

Most of us already believe that a person would have to be nuts to say yes to appearing on a reality TV show, but what if the person really is not competent to make that decision?

I’m no expert on mental illness, but the people being showcased on “Hoarders” on A&E (Monday nights at 10) don’t seem to be in touch with reality — which would indicate they’re not likely in sound enough mind to judge whether appearing on a reality show is really such a great idea.   Who would hand such people a stack of legal paperwork and ask them to sign it?  TV producers, that’s who.

“Hoarders” might be the first reality series to put real mental patients (as opposed to other reality shows on which the participants just “seem” crazy) on display.  Have you seen this show?  This is the show that tells the story of people who hoard stuff — the type of people who can’t throw anything away and wind up living atop several feet of trash that fills every square inch of their homes and yards.

Their homes are so neglected and abused that the towns and municipalities in which they live are threatening these hoarders with eviction and condemnation.  On the show, “experts” in hoarding psychology show up at these homes with great dumptrucks and dumpsters to lead an emergency clean-up, which is usually protested by the flustered and, by all appearances, deluded hoarders who reside there.

The intensity of the hoarders — particularly in their detachment from reality — varies by degree from show to show.  At the worst end of the spectrum, a recent show had the clean-up crew discovering the corpses of dead cats inside a house — including one feline that was flatter than a pancake (and also stiff as a board) that was estimated to have died 10 years previously — buried under several feet of household refuse.

Another storyline involved a wheelchair-bound hoarder who was hoarding her soiled diapers; basically, she was just tossing them into the bathroom until they had formed a great pile, rendering the bathroom useless (not that she was using it, anyway).

Again, I’m no expert on the mentally ill, but I like to think I still have the good taste — even after watching TV professionally for most of my life — to believe that this unfortunate woman should not have been on TV and no network should have agreed to put her there.

It’s incredible how much TV has changed over the years.  Once upon a time, the only person you’d see on TV who came close to being classified as a hoarder was Fred Sanford on “Sanford and Son.”

TV's original hoarder: Junk man Fred Sanford (Redd Foxx, right, with Demond Wilson) on "Sanford and Son." Compare the Sanford residence to the cluttered yards and domiciles of these hoarders on A&E, below.

What's cookin'? Who knows? This kitchen is so cluttered that hoarder "Jill" can't find the stove! Photo credit: A&E/Screaming Flea Productions

Dude, where's my yard? A clean-up crewman masks his disgust at this backyard junkheap on "Hoarders." Photo credit: A&E/Screaming Flea Productions

Tsk, tsk . . . kids today! Teens are not immune from the hoarding syndrome, as demonstrated by hoarder "Jake" on "Hoarders." He might be half-buried in junk, but like typical teens everywhere, he keeps a tight grip on that cellphone! Photo credit: A&E/Screaming Flea Productions

# # #

Keep up with the Kardashians? A snail could do it

O-'K' corrall (l-r): Kardashians Khloé, Kim, mom Kris, and Kourtney. (E!)

By ADAM BUCKMAN

Keeping up with the Kardashians?  That’s easy, since it’s not as if the Kardashians move around very fast.

They’re a pretty sedentary clan – they sit around the dining room table eating meals, they sit around the family room together, they sit around at restaurants, and they ride around in cars.  At least they seem like a close family since they are always together – as opposed to each of them being off doing things by themselves, such as working, for example.

You’re supposed to believe their days are fast-paced, and their family life “zany,” “crazy,” maybe even “wacky” and “out of control.”

But they’re really not.  In the premiere episode that kicks off the fourth season of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” (Sunday, Dec. 13, at 9 p.m. eastern time, on E!), bodacious Kim loses the will to live (well, at least the will to work or get up off her couch) stemming from the blues that have set in from her separation from her boyfriend, NFL star Reggie Bush, who’s in New Orleans with the Saints (the episode, a preview DVD of which was provided by E!, seems to have been filmed before the onset of the Saints’ as-yet undefeated season).

Sister Kourtney is pregnant and about to deliver a baby whose father is her off-again, now on-again boyfriend, Scott, who is portrayed in the show as a shiftless layabout whom most of the Kardashians loathe for knocking up their sis.

And Khloé, newly married to L.A. Lakers star Lamar Odom, is house-hunting for the couple’s first home together.   This is always a highlight of these L.A.-based reality shows – the spacious homes with their gargantuan kitchens, walk-in closets larger than most New York City apartments, elaborate iron- and stonework, the custom-shaped swimming pools and everything else.  The opportunity to peek inside the mansions of L.A. and its moneyed environs have been an integral feature of these types of series dating all the way back to “The Osbournes.”

Real estate is often at the center of a plotline or two on these shows, resulting in “conflicts” to which few of us can relate, such as Khloé’s dilemma in this weekend’s episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”: Should she and Lamar buy a $5.9 million home with something like 11 bedrooms, or “settle” for something cozier?

And another situation alien to most of us: Can Kim motivate herself out of her lethargy and stop pouting long enough to successfully participate in a photo shoot for her own fragrance, a dream she says she has had all her life?

Rest assured that it takes very little effort to keep up with the Kardashians as they house-hunt, eat lunch and pose for photos – activities they undertake languidly.  In fact, the fastest elements in this show are the frequent scenes of L.A. that serve as partitions between every scene.  You know the footage – it’s seen in every reality series: The fast-motion sunrise, the overhead shots of cars in fast-motion on sunny freeways and residential streets lined with palm trees and vast dewy lawns, the fast-moving video of the sun-splashed storefronts of Rodeo Drive.

The lesson is the same here as in many another L.A.-based reality show: Problems will inevitably arise from photo shoots and multimillion-dollar real estate decisions, but in the end, it’s always sunny in southern California.

TV Howl photo extra  . . .  Later this season on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” Kim gets a life lesson from Deepak Chopra:

Deepak Chopra explains the meaning of life to an attentive Kim Kardashian in an upcoming episode of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." (E!)

# # #

On A&E: Four-fifths of the Jackson Five

BOWLER FOR DOLLARS -- The Jackson Four (l-r): Jackie, Marlon, Tito (wearing his trademark bowler) and Jermaine. Photo credit: A&E

By ADAM BUCKMAN

Years ago, some clever writer of TV promos came up with a generic plot description for “The Honeymooners” that could be applied to virtually any episode of that classic 1950s sitcom.  The promo copy went something like this: “Ralph has big plans,” boomed an enthusiastic announcer, “until his friend Norton steps in!”

The same kind of description could be applied to the first two episodes of A&E’s new reality series about the Jacksons: “The Jacksons [or at least three of them] have big plans . . . until Jermaine has a tantrum or an issue or some kind of complaint!”

But like “The Honeymooners,” all parties come together in the end, although in “The Jack5ons: A Family Dynasty” — premiering with two, one-hour episodes back-to-back on Sunday, Dec. 13, starting at 9 p.m. — they come together with a group fist-bump as the Jackson Four agree nobly to put aside their differences and come together for the sake of their music and their fans.

These four, this band of singing and dancing middle-aged brothers, are four of the original Jackson Five — Jackie, Marlon, Tito and Jermaine — and they are the stars, along with their various wives and offspring, of this promised glimpse behind the scenes at the sprawling, and mildly brawling, Jackson clan.  However, nine siblings and two parents comprised the Jackson family, and five sibs — Michael, Janet, Randy, Rebbie and Latoya — and one parent — Papa Joe — are missing (as are Michael’s three children), though Janet Jackson is heard briefly in a phone conversation.

Michael’s absence is the one that is most felt, and also the most understood, since he passed away last June 25.  However, the series begins a couple of months before his sudden death, as the other four Jackson brothers were preparing to regroup to produce a Jackson Five reunion album to commemorate the act’s 40th anniversary (dating the group’s origins to 1969, the year they had their first hits).

Michael’s impending death notwithstanding, it’s not clear if he ever intended to  participate, even partially, in the reunion effort, especially since, as we now know, he was preparing for his own series of comeback concerts.  Alas, they were not to be, and at the end of the first one-hour episode of “The Jack5ons” — one of two A&E provided for preview — Michael dies without apparently participating in any filming on the reality series.

Still, Michael’s shadow hangs over the whole thing, starting with the show’s theme song, “Can You Feel It?,” a 1980 single on which Michael sings in the era when the Jackson Five were known as The Jacksons.

Episode Two, titled “The Aftermath,” deals nominally with his death and then jumps inexplicably to a month later, as the four surviving Jackson Five brothers try and come together to perform a concert that they were apparently obligated to perform (possibly with Michael, though that remains unclear) under some contract they signed before Michael’s death.

Certainly, there are millions of Jackson fans for whom any consideration of the Jacksons begins and ends with Michael.  And without him around, they might not tune in for “The Jack5ons” on A&E.  But there will likely be millions of others — be they enamored with any of the Jacksons singly or in various combinations — who will be left for A&E to capitalize mightily on the Jackson mania that made itself apparent, and appeared to be even bigger than anyone previously realized, in the aftermath of Michael’s death last summer.  In fact, this reality series, in which not much actually happens, could be the biggest one yet for A&E.

TV Howl photo gallery: Pictures from “The Jack5ons: A Family Dynasty”:

The Jacksons' hometown of Gary, Ind., doesn't look too prosperous when Marlon (left) and Tito come to visit. Here, the marquee of the decrepit Palace Theater still announces a bygone Jackson Five concert. Photo: Richard Knapp

Mister Lucky's Lounge in downtown Gary looks a little down on its luck, despite the presence of hometown hero Tito Jackson. Photo: Richard Knapp

Tito (left) and Marlon marvel at the snug, modest living room in Gary, Ind., where the Jackson Five got their start. Photo: Richard Knapp

Back in L.A., the not-so-united four Jackson brothers (l-r: Jermaine, Jackie, Marlon and Tito) rehearse before a dance studio mirror. Photo: Richard Knapp

# # #

Ray Romano’s search for the meaning of life

Ray Romano (with Scott Bakula, left, and Andre Braugher) is the center of attention in "Men of a Certain Age" on TNT. Photo: Alan Markfield/TNT

By ADAM BUCKMAN

What do we do, we men of a certain age, when we try to make sense of the new world?

Some of us try to find meaning in the past, which sometimes means attempting to mine significance from old music.  It’s a tactic applied repeatedly in Ray Romano’s new drama series about men in mid-life — “Men of a Certain Age” (premiering Monday, Dec. 7, at 10 p.m. on TNT).

In the five episodes TNT provided for preview, the show’s eclectic playlist ranges from the obscure — “Do You Know What I Mean?” by Lee Michaels — to the sentimental — “This Magic Moment” by the Drifters.  And the show’s theme song is “When I Grow Up (To Be a Man)” by the Beach Boys (with its lyrics “Will my kids be proud or think their old man is really a square? . . .”).

Pop songs — especially those forgotten by most of us — may seem like unlikely destinations for an exploration into the meaning of life, but I’m here to tell you, when you’re 50, the search can take on many forms and take you to many unlikely places.

For example, my own search has taken me recently to this priceless video — on YouTube — of Hurricane Smith performing his one and only hit, “Oh, Babe, What Would You Say?” on the Johnny Carson show in 1972.  Smith, formerly a sound engineer who worked on a string of Beatles albums (up through “Rubber Soul”), was 48 years-old when he made his first trip to the U.S. to appear on the Carson show.  What does the story of Hurricane Smith’s personal triumph in middle age have to do with the meaning of life?  I don’t know — you tell me.

Meanwhile, on “Men of a Certain Age,” Romano plays Joe, a 48-year-old man (Romano himself will be 52 later this month) in the midst of a divorce.  He lives in a motel and runs his own business — a store selling party supplies.  In the store, Joe plays music from his youth — the album rock and Top 40 songs that his generation — my generation — first heard on the radio, which, in the era before the Internet, was the only source of music anybody really had.

Ray’s great in the role — the kind of performance at which cable has been excelling these last few years, the “surprise” performance so strong and sensitive that it astonishes, like Bryan Cranston in “Breaking Bad” and before that, Michael Chiklis in “The Shield,” both of whom won Emmys their first seasons out.

In “Men of a Certain Age,” intentionally or not, the Romano character emerges as the central figure in an ensemble of three; the other two are Andre Braugher and Scott Bakula.

Music of a certain age plays a central role in “Men of a Certain Age,” as if the show’s creators — Romano himself, along with one of his co-producers from “Everybody Loves Raymond,” Mike Royce — are embarking on their own search for meaning in middle age and have decided, through the medium of this TV show, to take interested parties along for the ride.

These might include all men over 45, but should also include anyone — grownups primarily since this new series shatters all kinds of language taboos for basic cable — interested in checking out a new drama series produced with brains, humor, maturity and respect for its audience.

And once again, it bears mentioning that this is the kind of series that only cable TV has the courage to attempt these days.

# # #

Shatner has nerve, but it’s not too raw

William Shatner makes a point on "Raw Nerve." Photo: BIO

By ADAM BUCKMAN

William Shatner doesn’t seem to touch any raw nerves or even get on anyone’s nerves in the first two episodes of the new, second season of his Biography Channel  talk show, “Shatner’s Raw Nerve.”

However, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t unearth some interesting stories about private subjects from his guests — Rush Limbaugh in the first episode and Regis Philbin in the second (the two half-hours premiere back-to-back starting at 10 p.m. eastern time on Sunday, Dec. 6, on Bio).

For Rush, talking about his battle to kick an addiction to painkillers might have had the potential to touch a raw nerve, but did not appear to do so on a preview DVD of the show that was provided by Bio Channel.  In fact, Rush speaks candidly about the agony of withdrawal, a process he underwent several times.  He also talks about his hearing loss, and also about his grandfather, in an interview that was like a session in a therapist’s office — if your therapist is William Shatner, of course.

As for Regis, he reveals his innermost fear, that he actually possesses no real, discernible talent that can explain his success in show business.  He also reveals that he had a brother, now deceased, who was 20 years younger than he — a sibling with whom Regis tried to form a close relationship over the years, but admits the effort was only partially successful.  He also tells the story of how — and more importantly, why — Joey Bishop hired him to be his sidekick on Bishop’s ABC late-night show in the 1960s.

No raw nerves seem to be exposed in either interview, which both come across as more friendly than this show’s edgy title would suggest.

# # #

Out for justice: Steven Seagal and Jesse Ventura

Jesse Ventura consults a mysterious "umbrella woman" in his search for the truth about a government facility on TruTV's "Conspiracy Theory." Photo credit: TruTV

By ADAM BUCKMAN

Two 58-year-old macho men are coming to TV on the same day, one strutting his stuff as a deputy sheriff and the other playing the self-described role of detective and truth seeker.

What is this – a conspiracy?  Well, that’s one theory, though this convergence of two long-in-the-tooth TV tough guys is better classified as a coincidence, which, come to think of it, is the best way to explain away the kinds of conspiracies “investigated” by Jesse Ventura and his “elite team” (his words) of researchers on “Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura.”

Ventura – the former Navy SEAL, pro wrestler and governor of Minnesota – goes in search of conspiracies starting Wednesday night (Dec. 2) at 10 p.m. on TruTV, while at the very same time, martial-arts movie man Steven Seagal starts his own crime-busting reality series (with the unpunctuated title: “Steven Seagal Lawman”) on A&E.

This scheduling can hardly be called a conspiracy, especially on the part of A&E, which will lead into “Steven Seagal,” more or less logically, with two hours of “Dog the Bounty Hunter,” with which “Seagal” is more or less compatible.  On TruTV, the premiere of “Conspiracy Theory” comes after several hours of “Operation Repo,” which seems to share nothing at all in common with Gov. Ventura’s fanciful search for the truth.

On Wednesday night’s “Conspiracy Theory” premiere, the governor conspires to learn the true purpose of a heavily guarded U.S. military facility constructed in a remote part of Alaska.  It’s a high-tech electric plant called HAARP (an acronym you can’t spell without AARP), which stands for High-frequency Active Auroral Research Program and has something to do with studying the interaction of electricity and the northern lights, or aurora borealis.

However, a handful of authors, self-styled scientists and local townspeople believe the government is using this facility to experiment with ways to wage future wars – by using a high-wattage “death ray” to knock out satellites, alter weather patterns and seize control of the minds of enemy combatants (and possibly some friendly ones).  Among other far-fetched claims, one of the governor’s researchers tries to demonstrate that this electric plant in Alaska had something to do with causing the tsunami that killed more than 230,000 people around the Indian Ocean in December 2004.  One of the researchers even makes the odd (some might say “insane”) claim that there were no earth tremors preceding the catastrophic wave, though experts around the world possess seismographic data indicating that the wave was caused by a powerful underwater earthquake measuring between 9.1 and 9.3 on the Richter scale.

After watching Gov. Ventura and his team roam the dirt roads of rural Alaska for a long and tedious hour, the only conclusion you can really reach is that, yes, the government isn’t exactly being forthcoming in explaining this facility’s purpose.  Along the way, Gov. Ventura says things like, “We’re out here in the wilderlands of Alaska,” mixing up the words “wilderness” and “hinterlands” in the same entertaining way Mayor Richard Daley of Chicago (the first one) used to say things like, “I resent the insinuendos.”

In the end, the “evidence” presented by Ventura and his researchers is not persuasive enough to have you believe the government is doing anything more nefarious at this outpost than wasting your hard-earned tax money – which is not exactly news, though it is irritating.

Steven Seagal is walking tall on A&E's "Lawman." Photo credit: Michael Muller

As far as taxpayers go, the taxpayers of Jefferson Parish, La., seem to be getting their money’s worth from their sheriff’s department, especially since one of their deputy sheriffs is none other than Steven Seagal, who has apparently played this unheralded, real-life role for close to 20 years.

Apparently, when he’s not busy making movies, a fully uniformed and accredited Seagal can be found riding shotgun in a Jefferson Parish patrol car in the wee hours of the morning, cruising through neighborhoods that he insists are under siege by gun-toting bad guys.  Whether or not a siege mentality has taken hold in the Parish’s rougher sections, on the first two half-hour episodes of “Steven Seagal Lawman” – both premiering back-to-back on Wednesday night – there certainly do seem to be a lot of gun-toters strolling aimlessly in the dark.

In fact, all Seagal and the rest of these deputy sheriffs have to do at any given moment to pinch a gun-toter is to suddenly stop their vehicles, yell “Hey, you!” at a passerby and before you know it, a chase ensues and a perp is collared – usually one who is, or was, armed (before dropping his firearm in mid-chase and then claiming it wasn’t his).

You could really describe “Steven Seagal Lawman” as “ ‘Cops’ with a movie star” since both shows traffic in the same thing: Perps, none of whom are ever wearing shirts, are nabbed in the middle of the night based on no other probable cause than an officer’s hunch that a person taking a stroll at three o’clock in the morning just might be up to something.  Then they are hand-cuffed and thrown roughly onto the hoods of squad cars, while their pants pockets get turned inside-out for loose joints and stray bullets.  The perps, all the while protesting their innocence, are then tucked into the backseats of the police cars.

Through it all, Seagal keeps a cool head, which he attributes to his life-long study of eastern philosophy.  On his new show, he is not above the law, but he is out for justice.  Says he, “We’re not here to beat up people.  We’re not here to lecture people on their morals or their ethics.  But we are here to enforce the law.  We are here to try to make the streets safe.”

Words to live by, from an action hero who was once “Marked for Death,” but “Hard to Kill.”

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